Drug War: The Musical

Brian Quass
3 min readJun 16, 2023

The horrible and omnipresent effects of the Drug War cry out to be pilloried onstage. And I mean that literally, as the budding playwright in me can already envision a hospice full of crying children singing the heartbreaking ballad “Make It Stop!” as their doctors, fearful of losing their jobs, refuse to give them sufficient morphine to ease their pain.

SONG 1: “Make It Stop!” by the Hospice Kids

Then, of course, there would be the rousing patriotic number in which prospective employees of Home Depot proudly proclaim the fact that “We Pee to Get Employed!” (Now, work with me here. You see, you’d hear the urine streams jetting rhythmically off-stage as the job candidates emerge obediently from their respective restrooms in 2/4 time, holding that glistening beaker full of liquid evidence of their moral purity — or lack thereof).

SONG 2: “We Pee to Get Employed” by the Drug War Generation

Another must-have ditty in such a show would be “We’re Coming In!”, featuring a phalanx of DEA agents in full battle regalia rhythmically kicking down American doors while half-singing and half-chanting the aggressive bass lines “We’re Coming In!”, as the impotent soprano cries of grandmothers and children alternately chide them and cry for mercy, not to mention for common sense and at least a modicum of simple humanity.

SONG 3: “We’re Coming In” by Narco and the Doorkickers

In other words, I hereby call for the creation of “DRUG WAR: THE MUSICAL!”

Unfortunately, I have neither enough time nor enough Coca Wine available to create such a masterpiece.

But maybe you can help with the play? All I ask is a share of the residuals.

Of course, historically speaking, these Quixotic appeals of mine usually go unanswered…

but that won’t stop me from coming up with more musical numbers wherewith to stick it to the Drug Warriors and put them on the defensive at long last. So watch this space!

By the time David Mamet contacts me, he’ll just have to tie the whole thing up in a pretty knot and throw it on stage! And then, hey presto, as the British say!

I’m thinking the DEA agents could be goose-stepping and busting handheld doors as they’re marching down Main Street on Drug War Day!

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Brian Quass

Founder of AbolishTheDEA.com, whose life purpose is to expose the philosophical absurdity of America's unprecedented war on substances